why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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