We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Randomize
