Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
