i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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