went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
