Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
