I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize