Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
