I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
