Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
