My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
