First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
