i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
