...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think my moral compass just broke
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
