Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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