Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
