i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
