Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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