I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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