I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
