What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
