Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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