I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
