im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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