Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
