i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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