checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
