Please, let me fuck your mom
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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