I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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