Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
