Moan for me like Helen Keller
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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