remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
