i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
