i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize