hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
