i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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