To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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