I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
