dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
