I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
