i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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