WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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