He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
