I hate your face
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
