I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
