Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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