Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize