Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
