I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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