You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
