New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
