If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
