youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just threw up on my dentist
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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