i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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