Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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