you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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